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Updated Employee Handbook

topic posted Tue, March 15, 2005 - 3:53 PM by  Denise
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Updated Employee Handbook Effective Immediately
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Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed consitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday

Vacation: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as following: Jan. 1, July 4, & Dec. 25

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There's nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave on hour early, provided your share of work is done.

Absence Due To Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RestRoom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose name begins with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allowed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees and supervisors must sign and approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on our company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders" category.

Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employmeUpnt experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.

Management.
posted by:
Denise
Los Angeles
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